Strong-Willed Summer

For me, this has been the Summer of the Strong-Willed Little Boys.  I’ve always known (from Week 1) that my oldest is strong-willed.  He has passed every milestone by his own standards.  I have battled it out with this child….sometimes I’ve won and sometimes, I’ve lost.  He is passionate and determined.

And then there’s the next one.  He’s always been compliant, laid-back, easy to guide and discipline.

But this summer, Luke turns 3, and I have realized that both of these children are forces to be reckoned with.  I have met my match (ahem, yes. I’m strong-willed too). Jake is my strong-willed dramatist.  Luke is my strong-willed risk-taker.  Boy, oh boy.  It has been an interesting and exhausting summer.

Let me say this, though….I love my children in the fiercest way possible.  I am proud of the little boys that they are, and I’m already proud of the strong men that they will become.  They are both passionate, extremely active, and love life.  Though they are headstrong, if guided correctly, I know that they will become great leaders.  They are both lovers and fighters and can reach the extreme on both spectrums.   I wouldn’t trade their personalities or temperaments for the world!

Sometimes it gets challenging.  I’ve read a ton of books and have heard some GREAT speakers, and I’m in the throes of the real deal.  Now, I’m no child psychologist or expert by any stretch of the word. Believe me, I fail daily. But here are a few things I’m learning about raising strong-willed kids.  Maybe you can glean something from it! If nothing else, you will know that you are not alone.

1. Choose your battles wisely, but never let them win the ones you’ve chosen

If you let them win, it will be harder to come back and win the next one.  CONSISTENCY is key….within the battle itself, and also from one battle to the next.  They will eventually get it and see who’s boss (that’s you).  They may wear you out, but don’t let them wear you down.

2. Get creative with discipline

Try different methods until you find one that resonates with your child.  Sometimes, different methods work during different phases.  I realize that some people only use time out or only spank.  But for my kids, I’ve had to do what works.  Luke does not respond to timeout.  He doesn’t respond to spankings.  But putting a toy in jail?  THAT he understands.  Jake is so wiry that he will wear ME out if I try to spank him.  If I take a toy, he often says, “Fine. Take it.  I didn’t want it anyway.”  But timeout helps him calm down and think about the situation.  The Director of the Children’s Ministry at our former church helped me to see the value of this concept.  Sometimes, just changing the way that you discipline can make a difference.

3. Make sure that their love tank is full

This concept comes from the book The Five Love Languages of Children, which I highly recommend.  It is a preventative measure. Once you discover what your child’s love language is (quality time, physical touch, words of affirmation, etc.), it is important to make sure that they are completely filled up in this area.  Jake is a quality time and words of affirmation kid.  Luke is physical touch.  And while all kids need all of these things, honing in on these areas can really help prevent some major breakdowns.

Also, make sure that they have good food and good sleep.  I know how I get when I’m lacking in these two areas.  In addition, structure and routine can help them know what to expect ahead of time.

4. Communicate clearly

Stop what you’re doing.  Get down at eye-level with your child, and speak clearly.  I make the boys make eye contact with me.  Then I say what I need to say.  Sometimes I can see the rebellious twinkle in their eyes.   But sometimes, this is the only way that they will truly stop and listen.

5. Quit comparing your kids to so-and-so’s kid

Look.  This is one of the hardest ones to deal with.  We see our friends’ kids acting like perfect angels while ours are tearing up the CFA playground. We feel like failures.  We want to find the nearest hole and crawl into it.  But the truth is……their kids are not perfect angels.  And they are not perfect parents.  That is the truth.  So quit comparing. And quit judging other parents, as well.  We are all raising human beings, and that’s hard business.  Let’s show each other a little grace.

6. Find other parents with strong-willed kids

This will change your life.  And will restore your sanity.  Share stories and tips with each other.  Do life together.  It’s a special club, and you are NOT alone!

7. Take a deep breath before you deal with them 

When you are calm, you can assess the situation better.  Say a quick prayer and ask God to give you wisdom and patience.  Whenever I fly off the handle at my kids, it makes it worse.  When I stop and calm down and try to figure out what’s really going on in their heads, I’m able to make better parenting decisions.

Also, don’t feel guilty for taking breaks.  I ended up in a counselor’s office this summer ( no lie ) for this very thing.  It’s overwhelming and mind-numbing to discipline and correct all. day. long.  It spikes my anxiety level and wears me out.  I’m having to learn that I need breaks from my kids, and that’s ok.  I’m a better mom when I can get some peace and quiet….and rest.  Fight for this.  Solicit help.

8. Be mindful of your schedule.

Don’t cram your life full of activities.  Pare down if you have to.  Strong-willed kiddos often need some extra attention and need structure and routine in life and discipline.  And since they can wear you out mentally and physically, eliminate unnecessary activities that keep you running in a million different directions. Not many things are harder to deal with than a worn out, strong-willed kid that doesn’t want to sleep.  Remember that.

9. Pray like crazy.

Pray for yourself: Ask the Lord to give you patience in all circumstances.

Pray for your kids: Ask God to instill peace and compliance in your child.  Remember, He loves them even more than you do.  Ask Him to place in your child those character qualities that they need.

Journal your prayers so that you can go back and see how God has answered those prayers.  I have found great encouragement from doing this.  We had such a hard time with Jake when we moved to NC from TX.  The transition was really tough for him.  I prayed for wisdom and patience over and over again.  God gave it to me, and as I look back at my journal, I can see how God met me where I was.  And I can see how He worked in Jake too.

10. Get on the same page with your spouse. 

Decide to discipline the same way.  Be consistent together, and your kids will see that mom and dad are a united front.  If you are a single parent, be on the same page with other caregivers.  Sometimes this requires setting a time to sit down and talk about it.  Develop a game plan together.  Also, pray together for each other and for your child.

11. Realize that this too, shall pass.

Call a spade a spade.  This parenting deal is tough.  It’s tough for all of us, but we WILL see dividends someday.  Keep remembering this when you’ve told your child “no” for the 53rd time.  You are building character in your child.  You are teaching them self-control and respect.  You are helping them to become Christ-like.  You are discipling your child.  And isn’t that the goal?

Summer

Whew!  I have been absent for a while!  So far, we have had such a full summer….and I’m drinking it in to the last drop.  The other day, I realized that once this summer is over, our daily routines will drastically change.  With a school-aged child, we’ll be up and at ‘em early 5 days a week.  Not just 3.  No more lazy mornings.  Luke will be in preschool on Tuesday and Thursday morning, and I don’t know if it has truly hit me yet….that I will be ALONE IN MY HOUSE TWO MORNINGS A WEEK!!!!  Woohoo!!!!

Anyhow, we have been very very busy this summer.  Hence, my absence.  And it’s not over yet!  So, pardon me as I soak up these days with my sweet boys.  I’ll be back much more in the fall!  Hope y’all are having a wonderful, relaxing summer!

Freedom

Last night, Kenny, myself and a group of friends had the privilege of leading worship for the ladies at the Swannanoa Correctional Facility for Women. Our church has been hosting a 3-day revival for them, and each night, the gospel has been shared and lives have been changed.

Let me tell you something. I was floored by these women.

They are in prison, yet they worship and sing with more intensity and freedom than most of the people in our churches today. As a worship leader, I always have the best….or the hardest view in the house. We see everyone. The folks that look truly joyful and glad to be in the house of the Lord. Those with tears streaming down their face. People who appear unbelievably apathetic.

Now, I’m not one to judge someone’s heart by their outward appearance and actions in church. Only the Lord knows their hearts. But when we come together to worship the Lord as a body made up of many members, there ought to be excitement and joy in the room. There ought to be freedom and celebration.

Let me say again that I am not judging anyone. I just wonder….how is it that these women, who are incarcerated, worship with SO MUCH FREEDOM?

Here is what I believe we can learn from them:

1. Lose the facade.
They have no one to impress. They are not trying to be something they aren’t. They aren’t more worried about what they are wearing than their need for a savior. How often do we come into church worried about what everyone thinks?

2. Remember where you came from.
These women don’t forget where they came from or what got them to where they are. They know the meaning of grace. I prayed with a woman who had been in and out 4 times. She has 5 kids. 3 of them live with their dad, and she asked me to specifically pray for him…that God would save him and soften his heart. Why? Because she gets out in 15 months. She’s counting the days until she sees her kids again. She remembers what her life was like when she tried to do it on her own….and now she is GRATEFUL for the grace of God. If we would just daily remember what God has brought us out of……how would we worship him differently?

3. Read the Word.
You could tell which ones love the Word of God. They brought their Bible. They had it open during the message. They quoted Scripture along with Bill, one of our pastors who preached last night. I specifically watched one such lady from start to finish. She was eager. Are we eager for the Word? Are we praising God on Sunday with other believers for what He has revealed to us in time spent with him throughout the week?

I SO want to go back to these ladies again. I was moved by them. Their desire for hope and a bright future was thick in the room. And you know what? God promises that to them. He can still use them. He won’t give up on them. I am committing to pray for them….that God would draw them to Himself and that when they get out, He would be their joy and strength. That they would impact their families and friends. That He would use them, even now.

A new milestone….

I registered my baby for Kindergarten today.

He’ll be 5 in one week.

And my heart overflows with the gift that God has given me in this child.

He is smart, funny, witty (yes, witty), energetic, musical, kind-hearted, quirky, creative, eager to help, imaginative, and as of September….a follower of Jesus.

I know I’ll cry on the first day of school.  And today?  I’ve shed a few tears.  But not tears of sadness or longing for the past.  For, I’ve embraced every moment of the last 5 years.

All of the sleepless hours.

All of the new-mommy moments.

All of the no-no’s and boo-boo’s.

Potty training.

Trips to the ER.

Stomach viruses.

Watching CARS 50 billion times.

Stepping on Hot Wheels in the middle of the night.

And all of the “I love you’s”.

And every time he says, “Mommy, you’re so beautiful.  I’m glad God made you.”

As a kid, I loved school so much.  It was my escape from a not-so-pretty childhood.  I loved learning…and still do.  Jake is the same way…..he loves people and learning.  His mind is always active.   I am so excited to see what God is going to do with my boy…..

My sweet Jake…..here’s to a new milestone.

 

Note: This is his “mean” face….after he had just killed his 2nd carpenter bee with that plastic bat:

 

What we really deserve….

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the things that I deserve….

And how much we throw this word around.

“I’ve worked really hard…..I deserve a vacation.”

“I didn’t have much as a kid….so my kids deserve to have a lot of nice stuff.”

“I deserve this pedicure.”

“I deserve that job!”

“I deserve SO MUCH BETTER than this!”

But what do we all really deserve?

We all deserve death. I know this probably sounds super self-righteous, and I don’t mean it that way.  But I’ve just found that when I use this word flippantly, I forget where I once stood.  And I forget Who brought me from one place to another.  And I focus on ME.

Here’s the Truth:

There is no one righteous.  No. Not one. (Romans 3:10)

We’ve all fallen short of the glory of God. (Romans 3:23)

Just a few minutes ago, I saw this tweet from John Piper:

There is only one person God has treated worse than he deserved.

Praise God that His wrath fell on Christ so that we may have life!  I’m amazed that He would do this….that His love would be this great….that He would not exhaustively lose His patience with us.

I’ve become more careful about using the word “deserve”.  Not to be legalistic in its usage (or non-usage), but in order to remember that I am not “entitled” to anything.  When we believe that we deserve something, and then we don’t get it, we can start to breed bitterness.  Truly knowing that God is the Giver of all good things frees us up to grow grateful hearts.

Don’t you see?  He GIFTS us daily.  With breath.  With life.  And even in death….ETERNAL life.  He does no wrong.

When we really deserve death, He gives us life.

Because He. Loves. Us.

Our true great reward….Jesus Christ….awaits us.

 

 

Random Saturday

I know I’ve been absent from my blog for a while…we’ve been super busy!  Today’s post is a little random, though.  Here are some thoughts on this rainy Saturday:

* I am so proud of my husband.  He has lost a ton of weight in the past year, and has immersed himself in the world of running.  Right now, he’s running on a trail through the mountain woods training for a Trail Half Marathon that will take place in a couple of weeks (in the lovely Dupont Forest).  He goes for a “long” trail run on Saturdays (that usually takes 2-3 hours), and I’m praying for his safety CONSTANTLY for those few hours!  So far, the Lord has kept him safe.

* The month of June is going to OWN our family….I’ll blog about that soon!

* My boys are true brothers.  They fight and make up ALL the time!  They are the best of friends and each others’ greatest competitors.  I love it!

* I’m dying to have a female worship leading mentor.  I deal with things in ministry as a female (and also being married to a minister) that no one even knows about.  I’m praying fervently that God would cross my path with someone who is wiser than me in this area!

* I love love love Spring in the mountains!  It’s unbelievable.  I love fall more, but Spring runs a close second!  I wish you could see the view from my bedroom window right now….the trees along the river are blooming and budding, and even in the overcast weather, the mountains are gorgeous.  A picture doesn’t even do it justice.

* God has been dropping some really cool opportunities to minister right into our laps.  I love the way He directs our steps!

* Since we live so far from family, we’ve had to use a nanny the last 2 times we’ve led worship away from home.  Just overnight deals, but still, it was hard for this momma!  The boys did great, our nannies are AWESOME girls, and it’s forcing me to get our house organized and in order so the girls know where to find stuff!  Another thing I wished I’d had….a step by step guide for finding and using nannies.  So, since necessity is the mother of invention, this mother created a Nanny Book for our family!  It’s a survival guide for anyone that watches our boys.   I’ll share it with you soon.  It’s great to have something like this even if it’s just for a babysitter.

* Jake starts kindergarten in the fall.  I can’t believe this.  I register him for it in a couple of weeks.  What is happening???

* I love every single lady on our worship team.  They are seriously my closest friends.  We eat together.  Laugh together.  Learn the Word and pray together.  Shop together.  Cry together.  And do life together.  I would fight for them.  Actually, I often do.  You wouldn’t believe the judgmental comments I hear coming from CHURCH MEMBERS that don’t even know these girls.  Jealousy, envy, and insecurity are evil things, that when combined with the tongue, they are utterly destructive.  Don’t know why this made the random list, but it did.  We should always think before we speak.  Always.  Speaking to myself, too.

* I’m so glad it is getting warmer! We’ve had a cold snap this weekend, but we’ve had amazing weather recently.  Flip flop time!

* God’s holiness has been a huge theme in my time with Him lately.  He’s showing me His power and perfection.  I often underestimate His Sovereignty and forget that He has a right to do as He chooses.  I am small in comparison and humbled that He would CHOOSE to love and save me from death.  What a good God!

* Kenny and I really want to adopt in the near future.  Yet God is saying “Not right now.”  I’m having a hard time with this…when there are so many children that need homes RIGHT NOW.  It sounds so selfish to wait when there are so many in need.  However, I know that He has a plan for each of us.  Perhaps our child has not even been conceived yet.  We are praying and seeking Him for His perfect timing.  I wrestle with this a lot in my brain.

That’s it for now.  Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Good morning

God is so good.

I woke up this morning (as I do every morning) to my sweet 4-year-old standing next to our bed.  Here’s what he said:

“Mama? Wake up!  I love God SO much!”  When I asked him why, he said, “He helps me know the right thing to do, and He took away my sins.  And He made me.  He made my nose, my eyes, my hair….”

As I proceeded to get out of bed, he kept naming all of the body parts that God made. What a way to wake up!

Thank You LORD for saving my son from sin and death…..and for making him just the way he is.

God is SO good.

Moms and Bibles: Part 4….Accountability

Hey y’all!  Sorry that days 4 and 5 of this little series were silent!  Sunday was a full day of services for me, and we had a visitor by the name of N. Fluenza. Yep.  My oldest has the flu.  But he is on his way back up and is feeling much better today.  So, needless to say, I haven’t had much time to blog.

We’re back at it today with a tip that will really help you, should you choose to employ it.

Accountability.

There’s nothing like having someone hold you accountable to do something.  This really is a no-brainer, and I won’t dwell on it for a long time….mainly because the Lysol is calling my name right now, and I don’t have much time!

It’s simple.  Find a good friend (or group of friends), your spouse, or anyone that you trust to keep you accountable to reading.  Maybe you can even do the same reading plan together.  This is what it looks like for me:

Kenny (my husband) is my Bible-reading accountability pardner.  Notice I said “Bible-reading”.  For other accountability issues, I think it’s good to be accountable to someone other than your spouse (and of the same gender, of course).  But that’s a whole other topic.

Anywho, at the end of the day, we will ask one another, “Hey.  Have you read today?”  If one (or both) of us has not read, we will do it before we turn on the TV or do anything else (after the kids go to bed).  Even if I’ve read, but he hasn’t, I won’t watch TV.  I’ll do something else non-distracting.  He does the same for me.  It’s quiet.  It’s good.  The TV is such a drain, and you learn to not miss it.  We are also going through the same reading plan, and even though we are a little off from each other in the plan, we are close and can talk about what we’ve been reading.

Accountability can really keep you on track when you are tempted to quit or spend your time doing something else….and that’s tomorrow’s post!

Love you guys!

Moms and Bibles: Part 3: Time-suckers

I gotta tell ya.  This “tip” is less of a tip and more of a swift kick in the shins.  Myself included.  Y’all know I love you, but we gotta deal with this one.

Sometimes, as moms of small creatures that are completely dependent upon us, we really don’t have much extra time. (Repeated epic meltdowns over purple calculators, diarrhea, potty training, stomach viruses, trips to the ER when one brother hits the other brother with a giant plastic cup in the bathtub creating a huge gash over little brother’s eye…not that that ever happened here.)

And sometimes….

We really do have that time.  We just invest that time poorly.

I know you’re smelling this a mile away.

Facebook.

Twitter.

Farmville.

Bejeweled Blitz.

Here’s a crazy statistic for ya:

* From April 2008 to April 2009, total minutes spent on Facebook increased from 1.7 billion minutes to 13.9 billion minutes – an annual growth rate of 700 percent.

At the risk of sounding harsh, I will say this…..and remember that I love y’all.

We can’t complain that we don’t have time to read the Bible when we spend hours on social media sites each week.

Girls, we have got to look deeper at this issue.  It’s hard being a stay-at-home mom and feeling disconnected from the world.  That’s the draw of social media.  It’s a portal into the outside world when we feel trapped in our home with kids that keep passing the stomach virus to one another.  We were made to be in community with one another.  

Now, I love Facebook.  I keep in touch with a ton of people that way.  But we have to set up some healthy boundaries.  This might mean fasting from it for a while.  Getting out in public more.  Serving our community more.  Inviting some friends over to the messy house and not caring about what it looks like.  Just be.

And some folks don’t struggle with this one bit.  But a lot of us do.

I didn’t intend for this post to be all about Facebook.  Really.  I just know that it can be a real time-sucker for us.  The same could be said for a lot of things….reading blogs, tv, etc.  I hesitated to even post this bad boy on FB for fear of appearing hypocritical, but then I realized that most of my blog readers are directed here from, well…there.

So my advice is this…

If you have the desire to partake in social media more than the desire to partake of the Word…

1. Confess it to God and ask Him to refresh Your love for spending time with HIM.

2. Fast from your time-sucker.  Delete the app from your phone.  Turn your computer off during the day.  Keep your Bible AWAY from your computer.

3. Don’t read the Bible online.  I repeat.  Don’t read the Bible online.  Get one with awesome pages made of paper.  You won’t be tempted to “look up a Scripture verse that you remember seeing on someone’s Facebook status yesterday”.

4.  Delete your Facebook/Twitter, etc. account.  Yeah. I said it.  Do what it takes.

Do we really mean it when we say we want to be in the Word?

Let’s be women that are diligent with the time that God has given us.

Remember, I love y’all and am praying for God to ignite a passion in your heart for His Word.

Moms and Bibles Part 2: Leave it out, Leave it open

After Luke (our youngest) was born, I really didn’t have time to myself.  With one child, you can do stuff while they nap, but when the second comes along, it’s a whole different story.  In the beginning, it’s a complete miracle if you can get them to take naps at the same time, and you are always “on”.  It’s hard to slow down…except for in the evenings….when you are completely exhausted.  Eventually, we developed a good rhythm and routine, but until that happened, this is what I did to stay in the Word:

I left my Bible OUT and OPEN all day.

It was as simple as that.  I would leave it on the kitchen counter where my, then 2-year-old, Jake couldn’t reach it (without a stool, of course).  He learned that if he messed with it, he’d get in trouble.  And he learned what my Bible looked like.  If my Bible was open, I’d read it when I had a few minutes to spare.  Jake would be watching Diego, and Luke might be napping in his swing.  Or while Jake was eating a snack.  Or if I was really lucky, during overlapping naps.  Honestly, if my Bible was put up somewhere, I’d forget.  So, OUT and OPEN it was.

I had a friend who asked me if I ever got food on my Bible since it was in my kitchen.  My response? Yes. But I’d rather have a Bible with crumbs on it that I actually read, than a Bible that is in perfect condition that I don’t use.  To this day, that Bible has coffee and water stains and some Sharpie marks on the front of it….Reminders that it has a presence in my life.

For me, the kitchen was where I spent much of my time.  It was a central area of the house where I could keep an eye on the boys in the living room.  For you, it might be a different place.  But find a place where you will see your Bible opened and waiting for you.

And it’s okay if you don’t read much at once.  This season is hard for many of us.  In fact, if I read small portions at a time, I find that I retain and remember them for a much longer period.  Read a little bit, and as you are feeding the baby or dishing out snacks, think about what you just read.  What a good way to renew your mind and thinking.  Sometimes, these little bits of time are all we have.  God loves us and speaks to us where we are.

This is also a great chance for your kiddos to SEE you reading the Word.  We all know that they are a curious bunch when they are little.  So, when they ask, “Mommy!  What are you doing?”  You tell them.  You teach them that reading the Bible is important and something that sustains you throughout your day.  They start to get it, even at this young age.

Inevitably, my Bible would get put up before dinner time, but the next day, I’d bring it out and open it up again.  Even though we have a pretty good routine now, I still do this on crazy days.  Like yesterday.  I knew I needed His Word in me for my sanity, but wasn’t sure if I’d get some moments to myself.

And so….it was out and open.